it is clear i am up to no good.





i love brand new.

today was amazing.
sam and i were up 'til like threesomething.
and then we woke up at like one.
at one forty ish my phone rang
boy<3.
i went to his house.
where funtimes, hamburgers, and long walks ensued.

i wish i didn't have to come home.<3


goddddamn.
i'm happy.
likeholyshit.
i just want to scream with happiness.


i need a job, yo.

(my styrofoam coffin, asleep on the interstate)


i like bright eyes..


since i turned eighteen, i did start smoking again. i like parliaments and the pretty camels that are pink!!!

i have been staying out late a lot, and sleeping in late a lot.
too bad theres school.


ive decided i like real coffee, with two creams, 3 sugars.
tch does that qualify? probably not.

i got a new laptop. its yellow and a dell its a yell! (a yellow dell) i amuse myself.

last night i was out until about five
therefore i dont know if i am grounded tonight.
i have to call melissa.
she is sleeping over still, iduncare what my parents say.


yep pretty much boring usual life here.
lots of music lots of brand new and lots of bright eyes.
most of all lots of kisses with jaime and lots of love


as for my love life anyways
its there.
i guess. it doesnt really have anything to it.
theres a few minor feelings, a few major feelings,
nothing to get caught up in.
all there is is time.

and i guess since that's all ive got, i have to wait for it.

but i should just be optimistic :] i've got nothing else to do.


lovelovelove!

today was funtimes.
things are looking up?

(hope i don't get crushed)


ireallylikecottoncandy!

which reminds me of thomas!

"i like puppies
i like candy
i like cotton candy
& did you know theres no cotton in cotton candy?!"


aghhg.

FOUR DAYS.

Everyone pretty much knows
but Johnny and I are over.
I don't mean over for two months over
i mean over over.
i mean i lost the best thing that ever happened to me over.
so expect some sappy poetry later

i wish i would have written more when i were happy
but i was too focused on being happy

i havent stopped crying really in three days

i talked to him tonight
and it hurt so bad
it hurts so much
i dont know how he does it.
i dont know how he doesnt feel it.

love hurts when its gone
i have never been hurt so bad

i dont think i'll ever fall in love again
i dont want to hurt like that ever again

luckily i have some pretty good friends
who try to help me through it
and then friends that dont understand

i think i'm gonna go sleep
or cry
or something
i really really really really really miss him
and he really really really really hates me

and to think
a week ago we were on the phone and i was gonna go to sleep soon
or something like that
probably

they always said love hurts
i never thought it'd get me too.
i thought we were perfect
i mean,
we both promised love forever
we promised marriage,
children,
prom, simpler things
theyre all gone now.
i should've expected that.

i shouldn't have been so naive
naivety hurts more than anything
and then the naivety of thinking i'll get it back

"look, we don't work as a couple ok"

those words sting.
i dont know.

i'm gonna start smoking again.




i'm gonna stop believing again.

So this entire week has been a fiasco, which has prompted me to complete an actual journal entry. Everyone knows that my place for actual journal entries is here and not MySpace or LiveJournal, really.

Well, I don't know. So Sunday, Rich decided to make a rather reckless decision of buying an Xbox 360 Elite and not telling my mother at all. Needless to say, she found it (on the credit card bill) and they are not on speaking terms. Oddly, that is the least of my worries.

Sometime early in the week, I think it was Monday, I tried to set up a newer wireless network in my house so my grandmother could have the internet. Unfortunately, my sub-par knowledge of networking is terrible, yet exceeds my parents'. Yet, the sub-par knowledge led me into a terrible hole I seem unable to pull myself out of. It turns out that I screwed up the wireless connection on the laptop when enabling the one on Grandma's PC. And ours is all out of whack too. Oddly, my mother fixed it, but grandma has no internet. I guess I could have done that.

We got school schedules. I was oddly disappointed. Oh well. I was also discouraged, I guess, and I felt rather stupid compared to my brilliant boy.

Then I went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I must say, I was THOROUGHLY disappointed. If she would have included more of the true details, I would have stuck around for another hour to have a better representation of the book. I mean, c'mon, an 890-page novel crammed into two hours eighteen minutes. Anyone else see a problem??

The good thing that came out of that was that my boy is officially reading a Harry Potter book! Yes! Johnny! Reading Harry Potter!

However, we went out to my car and realized I had a flat tire. After an hour of waiting, kicking, and swearing, my mother showed up and we had the spare on. I was, however, a chickenshit and would not drive my car home, so Stephen did it for me. I guess somewhere I ran over a nail. Oops!

I don't know. Today I went to U of C for my doctor's appointment. I have some more extensive tests tomorrow. I'm kind of scared. I don't have to do injections anymore, but instead, I'm starting Remicade infusions. I have my first one next week, joy.

I went to the zoo today with my mommy. I pet a goat and some stingrays. It was fun and cute. I want Johnny to go there with me but he doesn't like the idea of keeping animals in captivity. I understand that, but the baby poluh bayuh is so damned cute!!! Aw, I just wanna cuddle with it!!! And I saw some leapords and a baby giraffe.

I went to Johnny's later. It just occurred to me that it's been nine months. Damn. I love him more than the number of snowflakes that fall on mountaintops.